new lessons... new outlook... Consistent Grace.

i am at camp joy session two. i have been on kitchen staff this week and boy has the Lord really taught me some interesting things this week. i was really sad that i was not going to have a camper but the Lord knows what he is doing and proved that to me this week for sure. i learned what it means to truly be a servant- putting yourself absolutely last and others before you- and i learned how to get joy out of it. i am exhausted but got a new prospective on life, servant-hood and as well with just how big of an impact sin has on our lives. 

i learned a lot of things/admitted to a lot of things this week:

• i am incredibly selfish.
• i have impure motives.
• i am obsessed and idolize relationships/marriage.
• i don't deserve the Lord's love.
• a lot about love and pure joy from jimmy hankin.
• the richness of encouragement.
• not everyone who is in charge is perfect. camp is not perfect. sin is in everyone.
• i suck at life. i suck at loving.
• im nothing without the Lord's grace and love

i just feel stuck right now.

i just feel so frustrated.

Lord, i just want to love you with all my heart.

...why is that so hard for me? 

...why can't i trust his grace? his will? his love?