Do not fear...for I am the Lord your God

Lord knows that this has been an amazing struggle... my life that is. Everything in it has been such a struggle post-graduation. Some of you know this first hand by having listening to my bickering, depression and tears. You guys have put up with my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. For that, I really thank you. I appreciate your love, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. 

It's funny. I assumed that I would graduate from Erskine, move near Charleston, be this amazing phenomenal "life-changing" teacher and be the happiest person alive. I thought that I'd be the social butterfly that I always have been and I'd meet people quickly and everything would fall into place. I was excited about beginning new life and being able to be who I wanted to be. I was excited about a new slate; a chance to change whatever I wanted.

Ironic enough, it's nothing like I pictured. Go figure. It never is. Nothing ever is quite like we planned it and that is because there is err in the way that we plan things because of the sin that manifest itself in our lives. Thank the Lord that everything does not happen the way that I decide because everyone knows that it would not be a pretty picture, for sure. 

I thought I'd be a perfect teacher... now I am not sure I want to teach.
I thought my job would be easier... I cry tears b/c of the difficulty.
I thought I'd be a social butterfly... fear freezes my personality and I'm more lonely now than I have ever been in my life.
I thought i'd be super happy.... I have never been more depressed.

For a while, I was hopeless... or, I felt like I was. The best part is that there is no truth in that statement. This weekend on I went a women's retreat with Redeemer Pres where I have been going to church in downtown charleston. This retreat was exactly what I needed. I had really enjoyed the church anyways but this really put me out there. During this weekend, I was really confronted with my sin. I realized that even though I feel hopless. I'm not. Even though I feel lonely... I'm not alone. Even though I feel forgotten... the Lord looks at me in pursuit and awe. The truth is that I have been living like an ORPHAN! I have been, and continue, to live as if I have NO HOPE. I live as if NO ONE LOVES ME. I live as if there is NOTHING better for me. And those are all false. Bottom line is that I am a BEAUTIFUL and amazing CHILD OF GOD who has to DO NOTHING to earn his grace/love/kingdom.... bottom line he just GAVE IT TO ME no matter what I did/do. Praise God! 

Is my job still a struggle? Yes. I hate it. But I have hope b/c I realized that the anger, anxiety, hurt and struggle of my job has made me close my heart to it and what the Lord may be doing through it. Am I still lonely? Absolutely. I still don't know people here and think... I should have just lived at home or should have gone back to school. I still struggle but I will try my hardest to claim the kingdom that my name is already written on. 

Growing up in christian home, going to church and then attending a Christian college- I thought I knew what Christian community was. But truth is... I NEVER knew. I am so disappointed in what I have been shown and in fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and myself. I have not been the daughter of Christ that I need to be. I have not been the sister in Christ that I should have been to my other brothers in Christ and sisters in Christ. I pray that soon changes. The women of Redeemer barely know me but boy, they have already taught me what it means to REALLY be a sister in christ, to REALLy be a Christian community, to really struggle and seek and wrestle with what the Lord has in store for you

They barely know me but encourage me everyday.

Here are some of the amazing things they have taught me, told me and reminded me of:

-Walking with God as your Lord does not mean you will always be on "the mountain top"...feeling good in the warmth of "community"...know that in those lonely days and in the job you are wantingout of...that indeed you are His...His Daughter!

-I am praying that the Lord will fill the quiet spaces of your mind...that you will hear his voice above the noisy and boistrous feelings that claim your attention so easily : loneliness, sadness, fear, etc.
God hears your cry for mercy. He knows how you feel. He will deliver you so that you may"walk before the Lord in the land of the living..."
I will be praying this for you, and hope that in small and large ways, you will see the hand of God comforting and supporting you. You are not alone. He delivers your soul from death, your eyes from tears, your feet from stumbling...Take one day at a time. Set small goals for yourself and be encouraged when you are able to meet them. You can do it, you have been equipped, God is bigger than your fears. Focus on Him and His provision. You are His child, right now, with nothing to lose, and nothing to earn; you already have the Love, and the position of grace. you can't do anything to make HIm love you less or more. Set your eyes on Him, with His arms outstretched, cheering you on and delighting in you, ready to lift you. When you can't think what to pray, try this prayer, courtesy of Brennan Manning; "Abba Father, I am yours." Breath in (Abba Father), breath out (I am yours). He is all you need, and He is there for you now, loving you as you are right now.

-You are NOT an orphan, no matter how you feel. Preach it to yourself, sister. ( I have learned that I need to preach the gospel not only to others but MYSELf EVERY SINGLE DAY!!) 

-God is with you REGARDLESS of what you may be feeling!

-The saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle is FALSE! God definitely gives us more than we can handle so that we do not depend on ourselves and our own strength. 



I have learned so much more but I know we all have struggles. Some wear masks some haven't. The hardships have been so hard for me that wearing a mask was not an option for me. If you're struggling take heart and be encouraged by the things I have learned. Live like a child that has been scooped up and protected and claimed by the love of christ!! 


Psalm 142
A Contemplation[a] of David. A Prayer when he was in the cave.

1 I cry out to the LORD with my voice;
With my voice to the LORD I make my supplication.
2 I pour out my complaint before Him;
I declare before Him my trouble.

3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
Then You knew my path.
In the way in which I walk
They have secretly set a snare for me.
4 Look on my right hand and see,
For there is no one who acknowledges me;
Refuge has failed me;
No one cares for my soul.

5 I cried out to You, O LORD:
I said, “You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.
6 Attend to my cry,
For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are stronger than I.
7 Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise Your name;
The righteous shall surround me,
For You shall deal bountifully with me.”

:(

they say it's going to be exciting to graduate...

they say it's going to be exciting to get a new job...

they say it's going to be exciting to meet new people...

they say it's going to be exciting to move somewhere new...

all of the above... are false.

i miss erskine.

i hate my job and i'm not even sure that teaching is what i need to be doing/supposed to be doing.

i have not met anyone. i have no friends.

i hate summerville. i miss home.

i have cried for everyday for almost a month straight.

this is not ok.

i am not ok. 

I am...

Depressed.

wow- like hit hardcore tonight.

i am just so bummed.

it's all settling in.

harsh reality of things in my life that is...

just so alone

friends aren't really friends a lot of the times.

new lessons... new outlook... Consistent Grace.

i am at camp joy session two. i have been on kitchen staff this week and boy has the Lord really taught me some interesting things this week. i was really sad that i was not going to have a camper but the Lord knows what he is doing and proved that to me this week for sure. i learned what it means to truly be a servant- putting yourself absolutely last and others before you- and i learned how to get joy out of it. i am exhausted but got a new prospective on life, servant-hood and as well with just how big of an impact sin has on our lives. 

i learned a lot of things/admitted to a lot of things this week:

• i am incredibly selfish.
• i have impure motives.
• i am obsessed and idolize relationships/marriage.
• i don't deserve the Lord's love.
• a lot about love and pure joy from jimmy hankin.
• the richness of encouragement.
• not everyone who is in charge is perfect. camp is not perfect. sin is in everyone.
• i suck at life. i suck at loving.
• im nothing without the Lord's grace and love

i just feel stuck right now.

i just feel so frustrated.

Lord, i just want to love you with all my heart.

...why is that so hard for me? 

...why can't i trust his grace? his will? his love?

Blessings or Bust!

first of all... before you guys  [whomever you guys may be... i only know of two people who have even glanced at this blog] embark on this blogging journey with me... just fair warning: i am a fan of not using capital letters. if you are grammar nazi's like my best friend, roberto, i do deeply apologize. i just like the lower case. :0) i know. i'm strange.

There have been a lot of things that I have wanted to blog about over the course of the summer. This is my feeble attempt to remember and blog about all of those thoughts in a very concise manner that will still do justice to the thoughts.

This summer has been spent in total boredom. I know most of you have had your bored spells this summer but let me tell you my daily schedule.

I wake up [at some point between the span of 12:00-2:00... pathetic, i know], i eat lunch, i read a little [which isn't pathetic-- that is the most exciting part of my summer and i am thrilled that i am getting read for pleasure so i am definitely not complaining there...], and i play on the internet. Repeat. 

Most of you who are working or doing slightly responsible things this summer are thinking... man, thats the life but in reality... i really just want something more. i am bored. i want to be serving God and bettering myself in some greater capacity. I feel like i am wasting my life and wasting my being. wasting moments where i could be doing some good. instead... i am turning into a lazy blob. that should stop fairly soon though.  i am currently at bonclarken. this has been a breath of fresh air. i am staying at lindsay hunt's house [thank you so much] and her willingness to let me stay there has saved my life and sanity [that story to come below]. i am here just spending some much needed me time out of the house. then i will be working in the kitchen being an amazingly amazing and hopefully entertaining cafeteria lady. :0) oh yeah. that is my calling in life! actually- should be quite entertaining. needless to say-- with so much free time i have got to think a lot about my life [since i was lacking one this summer] and think about the BLESSINGS in it that the LORD has made so apparent to me but i have just been too blind and too selfish to see them. 

blessing number one:

i worked session one of camp joy. it's really funny how the LORD provides really cool opportunities for me when i planned something different. i really honestly thought that i would not be able to work camp joy at all this summer. for those of you who do not know, camp joy is an amazing part of my life. it has taught me more about life, love and faith than any other experience-- and it's also the reason i am a special education teacher. i was crushed when i found out that i was not going to be able to work camp joy. Low and behold, the LORD and different plans. i am not only working one session like normal, i am working at all three. session one of camp joy was absolutely phenomenal. i was blessed in so many ways.  my camper was carmen pruitt-- for those non-joyers that may be reading this: she is in her late 40's, in a motorized wheel chair, is sassy and charming, loves dale earnhart, and his very high-level mentally. not to mention that she favors receiving and producing sarcasm... needless to say we got along great. :) one thing that really stuck out to me about her was her lack of trust for me and mindi [she was the other counselor who helped me. she is another blessing in itself!]. carmen really struggled with that. we were bombarded with questions and statements like:

"where did you put my toothbrush?"

"we gotta pack tonight. we wont have time to do it. we gotta do it. we gotta."

"did you wipe me good?"

"you got me. im scared to fall. [getting in the bath tub] don't let me fall!"

etc. :)

honestly- these got a little frustrating but wow the LORD used her to to teach me something. he said to me "my child, that lack of trust is the same that you show me."  honestly, i am sure the LORD does get frustrated with me because of it. i am always saying "where is this?" "do you got me?" "are you sure?" "when is this going to happen?" where is my trust in my savior? he created me... i am pretty sure he can handle the rest! the LORD really started to lay this on my heart mid-week of camp joy. my patience for this lack of trust in carmen began to grow because i could see that same struggle in me that i did in her. and i thought... my LORD doesn't get frustrated. my LORD doesn't mind. my LORD just loves. my LORD is patient. my LORD is kind. my LORD does not leave me. my LORD does not waver. my LORD does not fade. my LORD is everlasting. my LORD is good. :) 

not only did i get blessed with an amazing camper- she also had one of the coolest room mates around camp joy-- betsy ann carroway! what a woman of God! betsy ann is the epitome of the fruits of the spirit if i ever saw one-- she overflows with love and grace. wow. every time she would speak to me, hug me, kiss all over my face, or just speak the amazing words of  "i love you" in that sweet gentle voice....i felt the LORD. i could see the LORD's spirit and love in her words, in her presence and in her smile. one night me and the other counselors in our room were getting our two ladies ready for bed. we were about to be all settled, say our bed time prayers and give kisses when BA [betsy ann] just started bawling. we didn't know what was going on. we pleaded with her to tell us what is wrong. the thought of such an amazingly beautiful and loving woman being so upset worried us all, even my camper. BA just started talking about how she was ugly and she was fat. she would never get a boyfriend. she would never be "normal." she would never have a good life. she would never get married or have kids. no one loves her... not because she's mean, rude, or what have you-- but because of her appearance.  and we all lost it. we were all crying. what a ludicrous thought-- not only is BA one of the most beautiful campers i have ever met- but she is one of the most beautiful people i have ever met in my 22 years of life. she was radiant.  i dont know where it came from but the LORD just started to use me.... words and encouragement and love flowed from me. oh, boy it was the LORD because i honestly have no room to talk. it was so interesting listening to BA because it was like listening to myself speak. i always find myself thinking... i am not good enough: i am never going to have a boyfriend, i am never going to get married or have kids... not because i am a bad person-- all because i am ugly and fat. i assured her that she was not alone. she really took comfort in the fact that i was 'normal' and felt like this too. i guess she thought we didn't ever feel insecure in that way. and honestly-- i think some of the counselors think that the campers don't have that emotional baggage and struggles like we do. it was a really cool reminder to both of us that the LORD creates us in his image. i kept reminding her how beautiful she is because she is a child of GOD. and as i reminded her, i reminded myself. [and... i forgot as soon as i got home and became hard on myself-- thank the LORD for his grace, huh?] i am working in the kitchen for session two and will be a counselor at three-- oh man i pray that the LORD continues to work in me.

blessing number two: 

as i mentioned in the previous blog, i am going to be moving very soon to summerville, south carolina to become a special education teacher. with that comes the packing, sorting, and tossing process as i prepare to move out for the final time. i am a huge sentimental person. i keep everything. when i was cleaning my room i found every note or card that i had been given by people during my time at erskine. wow-- i had tons! i of course threw most of them away [i mean... i kept cards where people only signed their name...it was ridiculous!] i started reading them all for approximately 3 hours. i was overwhelmed with how much love and encouragement comes from erskine. it really made me miss it. i feel bad ever being bitter during my time there. to the people who are still there-- yes, it can get incredibly frustrating but just take time to reflect upon how many people love and care about you. it inspired me to be more aware of the people around me-- how they feel- where they may be feeling discouraged-- and where i can encourage them in the LOVE OF THE LORD. i have started sending a lot of letters to people just so they know just how much i love and adore them. i don't think i show that enough to my friends. i love and adore you all. i have really started to miss a lot of my close friends and it's been hard realizing that we are all probably never going to be in the same place again.

it makes me smile to think about...

megan's sarcasm and wit.

megan getting inside of my small mustang trunk.

random dance parties with my roomate, shope, to 'sexy can i?" 

the craigs list prank with sarah and kate.

homeless ministry with anna. [burgers and iced coffee.]

zach and anna's cookies.

reading old conversations between roberto and i.

valentines day my freshman year. <3

my students at oakland elementary and mrs. adair.

rachel dagenhart and her encouragement. [heck-- ALL the dagenharts and their encouragement and love]

talking like i am ghetto with rachel d. :) 

Renee williamson busting in on bible study every single wednesday! [haha]

laura may and her servant heart!

beth winn waking up extra early in mexico to get ready before building a camp cabin.

shawn marler saying "it's old blair!" and "you're blair freaking christie!" 

robbie and him in that old greg tutu :) 

the thought of community and discussing it with my irresistible revolution girls :)

camp joy!

wedding planning.

shared background experiences and pain... katie! mwah! 

Shannon Jefferys and how my voice lessons turned into therapy sessions.

rebekah rowell.... "yall, i feel bad!"

fleetones, chamber, choraleers :)

josh and jamie and their photoshoot they did freshman year on the bear skin rugs

ryan bowles and his funny walk 

kristen koch and her perfectly timed encouraging letters.

texting conversations with will smith. 

80s movies.

camping out!

barron and her loving, always positive, fun spirit and beautiful smile [and that man who is attached to her hip. he makes me smile too.]

laughing hard. then josh laughing. then i laugh at him. then he laughs at me. then we are done for.

milk dates with the following dear friends: catherine tolbert, elise harbin and laura jones :)

counseling session drives with steven ragan and almost crashing to "love the one you're with."

mean, disturbing comments to/from justin parrish and bob elliot.

covenant presbyterian & the fastneaus 

loyal best friends that have stuck around for ever.

growing through best friends that have not stuck around.

robyn agnew, shannon jeffreys, hans engler, nora espinoza, dale smith.... professors/staff who not only invested in my ed. by my life and well being.

greg payne, adam sanders and justin lee.... SHOMIA impressions! :)

teej and phil... 100% brotherly love, support and encouragement. 

reid... that sweet sweet heart melting voice.

friends who you can be really honest with: greg, brittany g., megan,  anna, jeremy, roberto, renee, katie miller, rachel d, will smith

making pumpkin seeds with anna and eating two pumpkins worth in one night.

building catapolts and going "cowing" freshman year.

jessica skinner and watching how she has grown and matured into  an amazing singer- and woman of God. 

80's ball.

making funny videos with kate mcdonald.

Jamey D putting a pie in my face during the kissing game.

studying "biology" with zach davis [not really...]

and REALLY studying biology with ashley gray

jordan and her funny voices

being cooked for by amazing roomies [sarah and bek and rach]

amazing erskine ministry interns! hannah :) 

meeting new freshman that i can share struggles with and encourage: rach, bek and bek! 

you know... i really could go on forever. just...lovin' on people! :) 

anyways... those were blessings like 3-50 something. id like to post more. but im sleepy and if you have made it this far-- i congratulate you. you're probably bored too and if this is the case-- call me :) we should hang!  I leave on this note- from now on... joy or struggle... i am going to search hard for a blessing it in. BLESSING OR BUST! 

if you're reading this...you're also a blessing.

a lot of grace. a lot of laughter.

goodness. it's definitely been a while since i have tried this blogging thing. i used to have a xanga and i would blog in it like it was my job. it's actually quite entertaining to go back to it and read it now considering i blogged there from like 9th grade through college. it's funny the things that meant a lot to me then--not so much now. things that i would get so upset about aren't so big anymore. the LORD has definitely poured his grace upon me over the years. i am really now, as a recent college graduate, learning what it means to desire a relationship with the LORD and be walking with him. i'm sad this is just now occuring but very glad that it is occuring none-the-less. the LORD has been incredibly gracious unto me and i thank him humbly for the work that he does do inside of me and through me.

my attempt at this new blog is going to be a way for me to reflect upon my life as i begin a new chapter. i am moving to summerville, sc come july to become a new special education teacher at oakbrook elementary. i am very excited and very scared at the same time. my hopes is that this will be a place where i can write--hopefully to reflect and glorify GOD--and give encouragement and love to those dear to me who choose to share through this blog.

here goes...